Ang Lihim Ni Antonio

It’s the story of a gay 15-year old and the random events that happen in his life. That’s all there is to it. A falling out of friendship after drunken sex; coming out to another friend; living with a compassionate but broken mother; reaching out to an absentee father; and the arrival of a hunk uncle. The plots don’t exactly bleed into one another in a satisfying, cause-and-effect, or thematic fashion. Collectively, they paint a portrait of a coming of age that is incoherent, and maybe that’s the point.

Antonio spends a lot of time asking questions in his head. (We hear them as voice-overs.) It’s an existential journey that ends in senseless tragedy — where else? (The ending is a gay twist on the classic Insiang.) Maybe, the movie is saying, the meaning of life — and of being gay — is that it doesn’t mean anything. It’s a strong statement in our age of self-importance, when, in an increasingly liberated environment, we make so much fuss about our sexuality.

The movie’s main fault is that it doesn’t really make us care about any of this. Antonio is a walking empty shell. None of what he does, or what happens to him, seems to have any gravity. What keeps us watching is not that he’s interesting, but that the occurances are familiar to us as gay men who’ve been there before or at least heard stories about it. Sure, I giggled at the memory of wearing somebody’s used underwear on my face, but what was so special about that scenario, really? I got tired of scenes unfolding without distinctiveness or consequence. I stayed on my seat mainly because I already know uberstud Josh Ivan Morales will eventually flash his hefty manhood and that he will finally do it with cute newcomer Kenjie Garcia. It was just a matter of when.

Lihim was created by the same team as last year’s sensational Ang Lalake Sa Parola, but it lacks that film’s central provocative idea and the dirty allure of exploitative filmmaking. Lihim takes a more serious (read: dry) approach (just look at mother Shamaine Buencamino’s serious acting), but doesn’t have the serious meat with which to fill it. It’s unremarkable cinema that gets by on expectation.

Lahat tayo may kanya kanyang lihim,lahat tayo may katanungang pilit hinahanapan ng kasagutan, kung minsan ang mga katanungang yun ay mananatili nalang tanung hindi natin alam kung kaylan ang takdang panahon para sa bawat kasagutan… tulad ni Antonio isang tauhan sa pelikulang napanuod ko marami din gumugulong katanungan dito sa isip at puso ko at hanggang ngayun pilit ko parin hinahanap ang sagot… tulad ni Antonio ilang beses ko din tinanong ang sarili ko sa mga sensetibong bagay na ito at sa pagdaan ng panahon unti unti kong naiintindihan kung bakit ganito…kung bakit ganun….pero bakit kaya minsan alam mo na pero ang hirap paring intindihin….

Tulad ni Antonio ang bawat lihim nya ay lihim ko din….isang realidad ng buhay na minsan ko ng tinakasan at itinataboy… pero anu ang magagawa ko hindi ko hawak ang pagtibok ng puso ko, hindi ko madiktahan ang sarili ko…ang dali magbigay ng payo sa isang kaibigan pero pag sarili mo na minsan kahit alam mo na ang tama pero dapat kaylangan mo pang marinig ito sa isang kaibigan para mas maunawaan… ganun ba talaga ang tao kaylangan ng isang kaibigang uunawa at iintindi para maging mas madali….

Tulad ni Antonio tinanung ko din sa sarili ko kung bakit hindi tayo nagkaroon ng choice sa buhay natin… walang choice kung anung pagkatao ang gusto natin… itinakda ba ng panahon at pagkakataon kung sino ang magiging pamilya natin at kung anung uri ng buhay magkakaroon tayo… sa age ko ngyun na 30 huli na ba ang mga katanungang ito? Dapat sa age na 35 kilala ko ng ng lubos ang sarili ko coz kung hindi anu na ang magyayri sa akin… hindi ko nga alam kung anu ba talaga ang pakay ko sa mundong ito….hindi ko alam kung bakit ako nandito at kung anu ang role ko sa buhay ng mga taong nakikilala ko… to make them happy and leave mark…and then what’s next?
sino ba ako sa napakalaking mundong ito?

Sa teleserye ko ako ang bida…bidang patuloy inaalam ang hiwaga ng buhay….ang bida sa teleserye minsan nasasaktan, minsan umiiyak at minsan naman naghahatid ng saya sa iba… anu ang ending? Wala pa…dahil sa isang teleserye maraming tauhan ang susulpot at magpapakilala sa bida at magsisimulang maging kabahagi sa buhay ng bida….

Bida ako na nawawala…tulad ni Antonio, nawawala sya… ngayon ko lang narinig na pag may gusto kang hanapin ang santo na si Antonio daw ang dapat tawagin para mahanap mo ang hinahanap mo… tulad ni Antonio pumasok din sa isip ko eh pano kung yung mismong nawawala ang tumatawag sa kanya…pano yun…mahahanap ba ng taong ito ang sarili nya?…

Tulad nya siguro balang araw malalaman ko din ang bawat tanung ko,,mabibigyan ng bawat kasagutan ang mga bagay bagay na nagpapagulo sakin…