DON'T JUST STARE, LISTEN TO MY STORY.

dont just stare, listen to my story.... (its worth the read. deepest gratitude to those who signed my guessbook)

Over the entire college years, I’ve learned to enjoy life without my family because I studied miles away from them. I go to resto bars with my friends, learn to drink and smoke and have some fun. For me, it was my escape. At first, I don’t see something bad out of it because I’m enjoying it. I’m usually home very late. But don’t get me wrong, I did good at school, in fact I’m one of the best students in the college. I’m proud of myself that I went on college straight, never failed a single subject. I have to secure my future too, and prove something to my family who may be the most difficult to please batch of people in the planet. Still I don’t think that’s a valid reason to goof around, it’s just that I want to divert my attention and just forget everything and enjoy what I have in the moment. I had experienced pure literal hell for years when I was young and I think I deserve some winding up. I’ve noticed that I changed. I’m not the same person that I was before and I think it’s because of my experiences from the past. It made me see the world in a different perspective but I have lost my grip on my morals. All that I am now is because of me alone and I have earned it myself. I can only trust myself. My belief was that, your life depends on you, and sometimes I have doubts if God really exists because I don’t see Him helping me. If He had given up on me, I also had given up on Him. Sometimes I think, if God really exists and wants us to be happy, why can’t he just bring us directly all to heaven where life is perfect and eternal. Why allow us to suffer and experience hell on earth. That kind of mentality made me fearless. Human as I am, I sinned a lot. I’m really not the kind of gay that’s promiscuous, seeing guys and hooking up with them. Not until when I joined an online dating site where I started to get noticed, guys started to send me messages and I found some of them cute and I started to meet some guys and at times, hooking up with them. No relationships, no commitments.

But my life started to change when I met this one guy from the website. He’s not from Cebu but happens to be in Cebu for personal matters, I really liked him, a lot! and so we had sex. We were very intimate and I feel that I’ve known him for years. After we did our thing we went on our separate ways as it should be, though I liked it to be a start of something new but it takes two to tango, he’s just not into it. No strings attach kumbaga. The following day, we exchanged a couple of texts. But as the days went by, I don’t receive replies from him anymore, I started to miss him very much. I missed laughing my butt out when he throws jokes, I missed his arms around me, the way he runs his fingers through my hair etc. For me, it was not lust; it was more on the feeling of love that struck me. Maybe the feeling of someone who appreciates you and someone who’s willing to take care of you that made me feel secure and accepted for the very first time. Though it may sound premature but I love him from the moment I gave in. I believed in everything he says. I was a fool at that time. Weeks after, I tried to text him using someone else’s number, he replied immediately and asked me who I was, I told my name, he didn’t remember me, not until I told him the place of where we meet up. He replied, “ahh, I remember you now, kumusta ka na?” and then I replied, “ok lang, kaw kumusta na?”, hindi na siya nag-reply. It’s as if iniiwasan nya ako. I feel used and rejected. But of course I don’t have the right to force him to what I want but I couldn’t afford to think what I did wrong because he was very kind to me and he even told me to go with him if I’m available and all expenses paid. I could not understand him; he seemed so mysterious, as if he’s hiding something from me.

Weeks after what happened between us, I became sick. I got fever, cough and colds and sometimes muscle and joint pains, flu-like symptoms. I thought maybe because of the stress I’m experiencing lately, I barely got 4 hours of sleep a day. I took some medications but the symptoms just kept coming back. I started to sense the worst; maybe I’m infected already with HIV. I researched on it and there it was, the symptoms that I’ve experienced match the initial infection phase of HIV. All of a sudden countless news and articles about HIV / AIDS sprout just like mushrooms. Some of my classmates and teachers are updating us on the current issues about the disease. I don’t know if it’s a coincidence, a sign, or what. There was never a day that no topics on HIV/AIDS are brought on me. "This couldn’t be a coincidence!" i said to myself. It’s as if someone is telling me something. And it is not helping at all, it only made things worst. Anxiety and fear enveloped me for months. I’ve never been scared that much in my entire life. I often woke up in between sleep, lost my appetite, even had palpitations, and cried myself to sleep. The moment I wake up, it’s the first thing that pops on my mind. I became depressed and scared all the time. I’m too desperate to get myself tested but I’m too scared to know the answers. I couldn’t tell anyone about this because it will just ruin me, I have no where to run and then I remembered Jesus Christ. During these times he is my only refuge. I went to church and prayed, ask forgiveness and help. For months I devoted my time to God. Read the Bible and really get to know Him more. There I knew that the Bible is constantly telling us that His "will" is best for us, if you just have complete faith in Him, everything will come into place. I talked to him and listened to Him every time hoping for His response. Weeks became months, 3 months to be exact and muscle and joint pains that I felt are just getting worst. Then I told myself, maybe God has not forgiven me at all, there was a point that I already believed that I had HIV, though I haven’t tested myself yet. Something inside me told me to stop asking for another blessing because you aren’t even sure that God is willing. You have to confirm it to yourself that He is willing.

Then the time has come that I gathered up all the courage inside me to finally know the answer. To be honest, I’m already expecting the worst, because if I hope even with a spark, it will just add up to my disappointments once I knew otherwise. So I chose just to prepare myself for the worst. The day came for me to get tested. As blood is extracted from my veins, I told myself “your will be done God”. The nurse told me to wait for 5 hours for the results. I waited for 5 hours for the result and I spend that time praying in the chapel. As what I told myself, I have to accept whatever consequence incurred with my actions. I couldn’t blame others or God for that matter, but me alone. Five hours has passed and its time, as I was approaching the window where lab results are released, again I felt an intense fear, though I was constantly telling myself not too, I guess I’m still not prepared to have HIV, I’m only human. And unfortunately, as I received the paper containing the results, it presented that I’m positive. Right there and then, my knees weakened, I was broken. And I asked God, “why me God? I can’t believe that you allow this to happen to me. I have to suffer until I die. I believed in You and though I may not be as close to perfection, but I have been a good Christian. I don’t think it’s fair.” “God, I considered you as my saving grace, I became closer to you the previous months, weren’t you happy about my comeback?” “I thought you’re willing to forgive those who repent”. I was questioning God’s presence and for a moment I made a vow to not consider that He even existed. I was angry and in great distress. How will I live? How will I socialize with people? And most especially, how will my family and relatives react? I remembered my family, again I have disappointed them, I know their expectations were a mile high because I was a newly graduate student, they were all hopeful that I could be the one to lift them from poverty and suicide has been in my mind as my only escape. I know it’s wrong but there’s a part of me that says its better than living like hell in my remaining days here in the world. But again sanity has saved me from ending my very own life.

After I knew I had it, I started to be cautious; I made sure I couldn’t pass the virus to my family and relatives. I used my own glass and utensils, (although I know it can’t be transmitted via saliva, I just have that sense of responsibility to be as “isolated” as possible), separate my toothbrush, shaves and all of those measures. I know I could no longer keep this secret to myself for long, I know I have to tell them because they have the right to know, and they have the right to live a healthy life. The time finally came when I told my parents the whole truth, after all, I don’t have anything to lose. I was already empty from the beginning. When I told them privately, apologizing for my acts, I was expecting them to slap or punch me on the face or asked me to leave the house, something like that, but it was the other way around, they just cried and hugged me and asked for forgiveness from me instead. It has been done and they can’t do anything about it but be a parent for that particular moment. They told me that what happened to me is not my fault; it’s theirs because they failed to guide me along the way. I was very emotional that time, a hug is something that don’t happen everyday for me. For the very first time, I feel I belong to their family. That very moment, I realized that maybe this is a blessing in disguise after all. Because all my life I’ve been praying for a family who will love me for who I am and who I’m not, accept my imperfections and this disease made it possible. This time, I realized that what happened is God’s wake up call for me to come back to Him again, because I have gone too far. He called me to join His banquet and eat with Him again. Before, I was questioning Him, “why me? Why do I have to suffer from this disease? Of all people why me?”, but now I ask, “why me? About my blessings? Why me about my beautiful family? why me about my friendliest circle of friends?” We should all be thankful for the littlest blessings He provide. A day for me is a jackpot already, but for some, it’s just routine. Sometimes because things are just always there, we tend to forget its importance. Just like our family, we see them everyday and yet don’t even make an effort to show that they are appreciated. If you had my life, what would you do? So make a step now, don’t wait for the time to come that all the time that is left is not enough.

Even if I’m positive, I continue to live as happy and healthy for the people around me, though it wont cure me from the disease but it will make me a person worth remembering when I’m gone. I know this is a progressive disease and I’m spending the remaining days of my life as productive as possible. I want to touch lives and make a difference. Today, as much as I wanted to be open about me being positive, I just can’t because of my family. I don’t want them to be hurt seeing me struggle to live in this unwelcoming and discriminative world in terms of those people with HIV. That’s why I’m sharing my story anonymously. I just hope and pray that my story will serve as a wakeup call to other guys out there, especially to those who are promiscuous. Life is a gift, we should treasure it and live as healthy as possible. I’m a living testimony of that, that’s why Im telling you this because I don’t want you to contact the disease.

This experience has taught me valuable lessons that some of us may not even learn in their lifetime. First and foremost is acknowledging that God is there. Some of us may doubt his existence, believing in the famous aphorism that goes “to see is to believe”. Though, most of us have come to that point, including myself, because we are all rational beings, but have you ever realize that maybe because we never listened? We may pray, talk to him, ask from him, basically “do most of the talking”, but have you ever consider listening this time??? Learn to Listen to Him on what He has to say and I assure you He will answer you. “To hear God’s voice, you must turn down the world’s volume.” His plan is what’s best of us. In my case it may sound hopeless at first, but what He did made my life complete already. I may escape death but I’m not afraid to die. I even consider myself lucky because not all people can achieve self-actualization, I did and I’m happy.

Another lesson is learning to value life, treasure even the simplest things. Everyday, we walk on the streets, ride, commute and often we failed to notice the beauty of life around us. When I knew I had HIV, I’ve reached a point in my life where I knew I have only a few months, weeks or days to live. Funny how it changed my perception on how I see our world. I learned to appreciate the beauty of God’s creations. Paid every attention and every detail, thinking I wont be experiencing any of these for long. At some point, I told myself “how I wish I could have an extension”. That’s why with the remaining days of my life, I’m constantly reminding others to admire the awesomeness of God’s creation while they still can so that when the time comes that they too have counted a few days to live, they wont ask for an “extension”.

Another lesson is learning how to be contented of what I have, often times, we always look for things we don’t have, expensive cars, newest gadgets, coolest outfits. And as we busily aspire for those things, we forget the things we have, our family, friends and of course, the miracle of life. Those very things may not be as glamorous as Ferrari or Gucci, but they bring us true happiness if we just acknowledge them. All you have to do is just reflect, no need to do the searching.

I’m not doing this to gain sympathy or what, I’m doing this because my story can be an instrument for others, cuz as what I’ve said, I want to live as productive as possible, and maybe one way of doing that is becoming an HIV advocate, that’s why I’m asking you a lil favor:

1. Please do Practice Safe Sex!!! if ayaw nya mag-condom, bayaan mo cya. Better be safe than sorry. Especially dun sa mahilig makipag SEB. (I know I can’t take away your desire for that, better practice safe sex.)

2. As much as possible 1 partner only and get to know that partner very well.

3. Have yourself check! Because HIV can be there without presenting any symptoms.

4. And for those who are already Positive, (believe me, i know a few here on this website that aims to spread the virus out of maybe anger or just to get even) please, please and please help yourself. Don’t make that as a reason to be promiscuous and infect others only because you think you have nothing to lose? Or for revenge probably? No, it’s not true, life can offer so much more. Be responsible, promote life for others don’t destroy it… we are all family here. You know how hard it is for you right? dont let that happen to a family.

P.S. for those who took their time to read and empathize, I really appreciated it from the bottom of my heart. Thank you very much… I would be more than happy if you put into actions what I advised. I really hope this is helpful…

PLEASE TAKE PART IN ERADICATING HIV/AIDS HERE IN THE PHILIPPINES. The life you save might be your own…


While im online, someone dropped me a message, his username here is HIV_test, he is the president of HIV/AIDS support group here in Cebu and they are conducting free screening tests... if u want, you can get yourself tested and start a new beginning...

if you wanna avail, feel free to contact the following numbers...

0908-892-4588 ( smart anytime )

0923-290-7838 ( sun anytime )

032-511-3681 ( 3pm - 8pm )

also there's a free HIV testing in Cebu City Health Office...

rest assured that its very confidential...


(This is from the link)
http://www.planetromeo.com/00000000000000000000000000000000/auswertung/setcard/index.php?set=4953931&secure=UWjGVJgq1%2FxuVeeM00HJOg%3D%3D